Incomplete

Today I would like to tell you a story, a true story. Some of you may have heard this before. But you can hear it again if you would like. Once upon a time, back in 2014 Scott and I knew we were ready to be parents and wanted to start our family. We also knew that we were ready to be sealed in the temple. Because of that, we knew we would need to take some temple prep classes, and earn our recommends. That would be easy to do. We were ready. However, as far as starting a family...we knew that it would not be a simple process for me. In May of the same year we met with my OBGYN to consider our fertility options. She told us that when my cycle came, we could immediately begin the process. We were so excited. But...May came and went. I didn't have a period. June came and went. I still didn't have one. July came and went, and you guessed it, nothing. At this point, we just figured that it was not our time.

We decided to not stress about it, and hope that the not stressing would help our situation. As August came and my final year of college began, I was offered an amazing opportunity. Student Teaching in CHINA. After talking with Scott, we decided that this is something I should do. We could manage to be away from each other for 3 months. We could Skype and talk on the phone each night while I was gone. In October, as I was preparing for this great adventure something crazy happened. The day that I received my renewed passport, someone called me. It was the Utah Fertility Center. I called them before seeing an OBGYN months ago. They were full. But now they told me that if I was still interested they would love to see me. However, they could not see me until January. I made the appointment knowing that I would be leaving the country in mid-February.

You may remember that I was not having any period, no cycle at all. I was excited for the appointment, but I was not putting all my eggs in one ovary either. October ended, November flew by, and December was quick, busy, and fun. Before we knew it, it was January. It was the morning of our appointment, and you will never guess what happened. My cycle came! The very DAY that we were to meet with the fertility specialist.

AND GUESS WHAT, that day, that very same day, January 5, 2015 Scott and I began our infertility journey. We knew it wasn't going to be easy, but we did not know how hard it would actually be, mentally and physically. We met with an outstanding doctor, he was kind and very caring. He explained the process very well. "Take some pills that may make you a little crazy (...I was insane), give yourself some shots in the stomach, follow the calendar, take progesterone, get a blood pregnancy test in 2 weeks". Well, after breaking some bowls, gaining some weight, and lots of random crying, some hormonal waitressing of tables, that first pregnancy test was negative.

In February our doctor told us to try again. I was nervous because I knew I was leaving to China the same month. But, I went to the appointment anyway, and I decided not to go to China. I completely backed out. Instead, the college found me a student teaching spot in Payson. Well I started to student teach and after taking the next round medication that makes me ovulate, I wasn't ovulating. Something was going on. I just knew that the pregnancy test would be negative in a couple weeks. However, inside of that stressful time something pretty neat happened. On February 9th, I called the Payson Temple to book our sealing for June 16th. That made the no ovulation situation bearable.

The pregnancy test was fast approaching. When the day came I walked into the doctors office for them to take my blood. I not-so-patiently awaited the phone call of the nurse, who would sound so sad to tell me that my test was negative again, all while student teaching that day. When the final bell rang, I was finally able to check my phone. There was a voicemail. It was the nurse. She was happy. She told me I was pregnant. I was in shock, and so was she. We both knew that I was not ovulating correctly. Something must have changed quickly in my system though. Ironically, if you want to call it that, I became pregnant the very day I booked our sealing.

Fast forward to June, we were sealed and we announced that out baby was a boy. Onward to November and Ryder was born. That is when I knew that God is the one who knows when someone is ready to start a big adventure like this. However, since Ryder (our biggest blessing) was born, we knew we wanted more kids. At least one more. My doctor told me that since we had one child, it would be so much easier to get pregnant a second time. Well, 2 years has gone by. With that, 15 negative pregnancy tests have come and gone. A year of fertility treatments has come and gone. Most people tell us that we may just be a family that is "one and done". Well that is just fine and dandy, but we know that our family is not done. We know that we are missing something. We know that there is a child waiting for us. We also know that this child will not come from me. It will not come from Scott. We are about to embark on a new journey to turn our incomplete family to a complete family. I hope you will join us for the ride.


...Adoption.

Infertility...My Rant.

Everyone is allowed to have their own opinion when it comes to starting a family, if they want a family at all. Everyone is different, and that is just fine with me. I have friends with children, friends without, and friends who do not want children. As I said before, any decision someone makes is completely fine.

However, yes, there is an however, or but, and a by the way.....

I am tired of hearing people who are fortunate enough to have children at the snap of a finger tell myself, and people like me, that pregnancy is easy. They say "It will happen when it happens", or "It's not that hard". Unfortunately, getting pregnant isn't easy for me, some of my cousins, many of my friends, and many more people that I have not met. Do people mean to sound annoying and obnoxious? No! But can it feel like a stab in the heart? Yes.

Like myself, many women have PCOS, otherwise known as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome which makes it hard for the body to ovulate. 

Many women have horrible Endometriosis. 

Many women have Unexplained Infertility.

Many struggle with Hydrosalpinx too. 

There are even men who are infertile.

Sometimes age plays a huge factor.

I know there are several more reasons out there too.

It is hard. Emotionally. Mentally.

It is hard on a marriage.

There are ways to try and help, but that doesn't guarantee that it will work. There are pills you can take, shots you can mix and inject, there are suppositories to use, and there are procedures that you can do. Timed Intercourse, IUI (Intrauterine Insemination), and IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). Health Insurance doesn't cover any of it either. 

Have you heard of a nasty little pill called Clomid? It isn't fun. You cry, you yell, you throw shakes on people, you stress, and you get sick. However, it helps your body to ovulate. Your love life is charted and is timed. You take shots in your stomach, and suppositories each night. You do this until you hear if your pregnancy test is positive or negative. If is negative, you start all over. If it is positive, well, congratulations! 

You can only take Clomid 6 months out of the year, it is also known as 6 cycles.

Of course there are other medicines out there, but I do not know what they do, or how they help.  

I wish I knew, then maybe I wouldn't be crying on the floor because I am out of my favorite soup.

I am so happy when I find out friends and family are pregnant. Their life is off to a great new adventure.

Please don't think that hearing news like that is heart breaking, because it's not. 

Please just understand, others are more fortunate when it comes to starting families. That is perfectly fine. 

Just be careful for what you say, or at least how you say it. 

Please don't ask when we will have children, because I can't tell you an answer to that. 

Those of you that are expecting, congratulations! Best of luck, and may God bless you in your amazing journey! 

Putting a Pause on Parenthood

Scott and I came to a new conclusion about being parents recently, and it was not easy. The day we went to the fertility doctor I was supposed to start my period, so everything was on track, we were very happy and excited. However, something did not go as planned, my cycle never began. To be honest, it was 17 days late. So we decided we would wait a month when things were back on track...18 days late....and 17 days late again. Clearly it was not our time. Later into the summer we found out an interesting fact, my medicine wasn't truly helping me. I am still getting cysts, and they have not subsided. If I do become pregnant, by a miracle, my miscarriage rate with be 70%, and I will be considered a high risk pregnancy for one child. I will have high Preeclampsia risks, among other issues.

This has been really hard on me...

We have decided that I will not bother with birth control, on the off chance we do get pregnant eventually, and I will still work towards doing everything the doctor has asked of me, but we are not going to stress getting pregnant.

Scott and I have decided that our main goal is going to be adoption. We want to have four children, but with adoption we may only be able to have two. Either way, we will have children someday.

We are to be sealed together in May, and will begin saving any extra pennies that we can. We are hoping to start papers around our 3rd anniversary when we are more stable, have money saved, and are more established. We have decided we will apply to Heart to Heart adoption agency. It will be a lot of work, and will cost quite a bit of money, but we are more than willing.

We will be parents...eventually

Pay It FORWARD

I just realized, that I have never personally been able to thank these people for their generosity or their kindness. These customers have all left before I could tell them thank you, people like this don't show up all that often. I also understand, that it is hard, and obviously more than should have been left. As crazy as it is, I received these tips when I truly needed them most. So very grateful. Pay it forward. Always. 

Received this when I needed to pay some lab bills.

Received this before my wedding, Scott and I paid for quite a bit.

I got this beauty when I had only made $15.00 all day. This lady had sat here my whole shift. 

This fun number I received at Christmas.  I had Santa's in my hair. 

I hope they come in again, I won't forget their face, and I will tell them thanks!!!

Journey to be Parents

While Scott and I have only been married for 4 months, almost 5, we have been talking a lot about when we would like to start a family.  It is also one of those questions we hear a lot here in Utah..."When will you have a baby?", or when you say "Hey guess what?" The response usually tends to be "You are pregnant!". If only some could have an answer, or if sometimes you could say "why, yes, we are!". However, that is not always the case.

You see, its actually not easy for some.  I have something called PCOS, and to be honest, many women do have to. For some women it is controlled and for others it is not. PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and it is a problem in which a woman's hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant due to lack of hormones, and cysts that develop in the overys. PCOS also may cause unwanted changes in the way you look. If it isn't treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such as Diabetes and Heart Disease. PCOS may also cause Insulin Resistance, and may even lead to Endometriosis (Scar Tissue in the Uterus).

I was diagnosed with this in May, 2013. I have met many women now who also have PCOS, and they have had some great success, and others not that great. PCOS is something a women is born with, it can be passed down from a mother or from the fathers side, it is genetic. Millions of women struggle with this, and some more than others. Now, how did I go almost 22 years of not knowing? Simple, I grew up dancing which masked a lot of my symptoms, but because I am adopted, some symptoms were overlooked. When I stopped dancing, I gained weight extremely fast, and it is weight that is amazingly hard to get rid of. It its in my face, and my stomach. Not my arms, back, or legs. In 4 years, my weight went from 110 to 160, and has stayed there, no matter exercise, or diet.

I did have many symptoms that were over looked, let me share them with you:
-Some facial hair. My hair is thick and dark, we never thought anything of it.
-Irregular and heavy menstrual cycles. Overlooked because my dance routine would change, and I always had one.
-Horrible mood swings. But as a teenager what is new?
-Migraines. I have had them since I was 5, but no explanations, only guessing.

FINALLY, the symptoms to reveal all!
-Skin discoloration. I had splotches of Purple skin every so often on my body. Apparently low vitamin d levels can reveal a lot.
-Horrible sleep apnea.

I now am currently taking Vitamin D 1000 units, Niacin, and Metformin 1000 mg. My levels have improved quite a bit, however, with lack of taking care of it sooner, and with help from an improperly placed IUD, I am now heavily bearing Endometriosis.  Due to the PCOS and the levels of my Endometriosis, my doctor has a few suggestions for us:
1. In vitro Fertilization (can be thousands of dollars)
2. Adoption
3. Clomid, a fertility medication, which still is not cheap, but for now is a cheaper, doable option.

We have decided to take option 3, and would love to have you will us on our journey. Those women who have had a great success rate, are the women who are my hero's, and who I look too.

On Tuesday I receive my medication schedule, along with much more. We are hoping for success within the year,  but I am only 22 and Scott is 23, we have all the time in the world for beginning our family.  We already have a puppy, that should count for something!

Here we go!

and thank you pinterest foe the following images, and according to my Clomid research, this will be a side effect. 

My Three Names

     I want to share something personal to begin my blog with, this is only because I know so many people who are going through a similar thing. It it hard, it is frightening and you can feel so alone. I want to talk about my story of divorce.
    On September 18, 2011 my name was Paige Keyes, and I became engaged to my boyfriend of, at the time, a year and a half. We planned to get married March 29, 2012, and we did. Everyone was so excited, and so was I. It was a beautiful event. I had my dream dress, dream location, adorable invitations, hundreds of supportive guests, and a new husband. I had just become Paige Lawrence.
Soon after our marriage we moved into a family basement, and we were able to get a puppy, a little Boston Terrier. Sounds like a dream right? For 5 months it was. Our marriage started to have problems that I slowly began to notice, but I could not figure out why.
     I began to get depressed, I began to work very late, and when I was home I just kept myself locked away in our room. Not too long after my depression began, I began to notice things. My husband wouldn't let me sit on his lap, we were rarely intimate, and I couldn't touch his phone. He also began to use his iPhone, which had no service unless on wifi. That is when I knew that our marriage was over. I had to see for myself if my suspicions were true, and they were. So I left, and came back again. It wasn't until I found a message from him to another women that said "I just wish we were done", that I made up my mind. I left. I left with a broken heart, I left depressed, and I left angry.
     For months I had feelings that I needed to leave, but I couldn't.  I loved him. There must have been something I could've done to keep him. But what? What was I doing wrong? Was I not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough? I wanted and needed to know...I never received my answer, instead I packed my things, left him and left my dog, paid for divorce papers on my own, and that is all she wrote.
     I moved back home with my parents, and began to go to church.  I was back in the ward I grew up in, but I felt so out of place.  These people had known me for 15 years, but were now tiptoeing around me. What did I do wrong here? Was it my divorce, or were people to scared to ask me? It got to the point of feeling alone in my ward, that I stopped attending. There was a moment where I decided to go again and someone looked at me and said, "Well I am surprised to see you here." A hello, or how are you would have made me feel a bit better...I left.
     A month later, it was my birthday, which was fine, until he texted me. How was that fair or remotely okay? I was in pain, and he was, to my knowledge, just fine without me. And that is when it happened, I was tired of feeling ugly, I was tired of feeling down, and I was tired of being hurt. I logged on to my computer and created an account on POF, plentyoffish.com. I was so nervous that no one would want a divorced 22 year old girl, and some didn't, some gave me crap,  but others did not care. This is where I met Stephen, James, Kyler, Dan, Cory, Jay, and Scott. But why exactly did I decide to do this? I will tell you why. I was going into smiths grocery store to get a coke, and instead felt that I needed to go into Seagull Book. So I did, and that is where I found this...

...and oh my goodness, it was uncanny.  Her ex-inlaws names were Rex and June, 1 of which is identical to mine, amd the other is only off by 2 letters. It opened my eyes.

My name is now Paige Miner. I went on 1 date with Scott, the last week of July and I knew he was the man for me. He became my boyfriend August 4th (his birthday), and he asked me to marry him September 17, in the Secret Garden at Thanksgiving Point and with no doubt in my mind, I said yes. I will have no regrets, and no second guessing.  He is my best friend, and he will be my eternal companion. I was nervous to get married in the temple, I couldn't go through more pain if something went wrong, Scott understood and understands That. But I have no doubt in my mind that he is the man that I will spend forever with. The beginning of forever began December 14, 2013. Our eternity will begin shortly into the year 2015. 

So there you have it...

I was born to be Paige Keyes, chose to be Paige Lawrence, and was meant to be Paige Miner. 

Some marriages last and some marriages end. If they end, that is okay, but don't try to go about it alone. I owe so much to my friends and my family, they helped me get through all of it, the pain, the sadness, and they saw me at my worst, but pulled me back up on my feet. Also, don't stray away from God in the process, I may have struggled going to church, but I prayed, I read, and I pondered. I owe many thanks to my Lord above. 

The Grass is ALWAYS Greener on the Other Side